Special Thanks to You!

I have something that is completely off topic, but I received this email earlier today and thought I would share.  Hopefully you will get a good laugh… I know that each of you can relate to this one in one way or another unless you have been living under a rock for the last 10 years …

PS.. Make yourself read to the bottom of the post, it’s the best part

Happy reading…

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year.

 Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flippin g through the adult movie channels.  

    I now can not put lemons in my ice tea

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has  been driv ing because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking their nose. (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)
Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip beca u se I can only imagine how many gallons of trans-fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.  

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
& lt; /FONT>I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

        II will never drink from a hotel glass that is in the bathroom

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.Thanks t o you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered i f I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car  so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God'  on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting m e know I can't boil a cup o f water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with HIV.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

(I liked that one)

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to   Jamaica ,   Uganda ,  Singapore  and   Uzbekistan ...
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine becaus e a big brown Afric an spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't s end this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.  I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from   Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don 't even bother taking it off now. it's too late!!